behind that smile

"NOSEY PARKERS"

EEEeee boring nye..Sudah sudah lah tu..kita semua pun dah berumur..sepatutnya berfikiran lebih matang. Apa perlukah kita mengata dan mengumpat kawan kita dibelakang?atau pun nak mengenakan kengkawan tu biarlah bertempat....maanusia nie..makin tua makin sensitif.

Bila bergurau tu pun ada batasannya jugak..nie tidak..dalam facebook bagi komen yang merapu..kekadang tu yang bukan-bukan....langsung tak faham...Apa perlu kah kawan kita tu bertukar untuk membahagiakan kita?kalau dia dah macam tu..macam tu lah jugak..kawan tu tak pernah menyusahkan sesiapa..udah udah lah tu ...

Be considerate of other people's feelings without finding excuses for unacceptable behaviour.

To XXXXX relax..those are neither your fault nor your responsibility. Some friends are confused...said far too little about far too many issues... try to keep cool ya..and see humour in the situation and you'll be able to laugh it off...

Take me for example...undeserved remarks I used to receive were very upsetting..but I learnt to let it go...they're just jealous for what I've got and what I've achieved...I don't care. Only those who have been ill treated knows how the other person felt.

Is There Life after 50?

Yes,there is life after 50 ..I don't feel 50 but I'm more confident and hey..how many more mistakes can we make at 50?

The morning of my 50th birthday,I lay in bed reflecting on my life so far and what I had learnt a year before,after my husband operation on his heart.It was truly a nightmare...to an fro the hospital,seeing to his needs and made him accommodating. Children were afraid..what if and what if..

Most women don't want to tell their age but I'm proud to tell the world that I'm 50 and I want to celebrate every birthday till 80?or probably more...

The things I'd learned in my life,the mistakes I've made and the choices I'd taken....At this age,I still have girlfriends who love me (infact they wouldn't want to leave me) my SL ( a dentist ) and my KT (a PA ). We've been together ever since the three of us met by accident in the maternity ward hehehehe in maternity ward!!.

We all delivered beautiful baby girl 23yrs ago.

There's some sort of a chemistry we have and it's truly amazing that our friendship could survive till now....I thank ALLAH for blessing me with that charm and that smile. Relationship that has to be kept a secret. Well,our lives aren't perfect,we're not doing what we should be...we thought that we have failed in some way.Yet the truth is it's OK to have a messy life and get things wrong. Its OK to go after something and fail...we should not be afraid of not being perfect or fear the failure...we should embrace the life we have and live every moment to the full.

I decided to make each day joyful and meaningful in even one small way...

NIK AIDIL ~ 21st March 1993

Children are a blessing...
Welll.....it was 4 days before hari raya Aidil Fitri..he too can't wait and have to see what the world has to offer him. I think what he said isss I have to come out..I want to see..how daddy, mummy and my sister looked like...






The doctors have tried to turn him around so that I could deliver him normal but he push his head on top and that's where I need to have a ceasarean..potong....oh God..even as a baby he has to show who's the boss?oh dear...and I have to bayar puasa for 4days..lucky me!!

He's so much like his father...the walk ( like itek pulang petang ),the looks,the behaviour or maybe he's slightly a bit better than his father...His behaviour changes every year towards his growing up. I remember when he was 4yrs old and we went to the "pasar malam" he showed his best self by crying out so loud for wanting toys that he already have in his room. I left him alone there and he came back home "safely" by himself and to my surprise he asked for an apology.....there's softness in his heart...I felt relieved because I thought he would have lost...well... the thing is...the pasar malam is right infront of our house..tak jauh pun but hati tu takut juga...

One day when I picked him up at the nursery and when the car stop at a junction...he opened the car door and went out by himself...tantrums ...again...I don't know what makes him do that but when I managed to catch the young man and I asked him nicely what is the matter?he said the nursery teacher locked him and his friends in a room without giving them to play anything. I went to the nursery and confronted the teacher and filed a complaint to the owner of the nursery. You can't keep the children in a room without giving them to play and it's wrong to stop the childrens being active. Children are children..let them play.

As time passes.....whenever there are new things on the road..mountain bike..bmx...trx...you name it..he wanted it. Without waiting for us to buy him the bike..he bought it himself with his allowance money.Although we would always gave our children what they've wanted but it would based on their school performances.

When he got 1st in his class, we gave him a small black and white tv that cost RM50,I thought he's happy with it but he's not.He kept "mengungkit" all the time. Upbeat and happy one minute, moody and sulking the next...That .... is Nik Aidil Fikri...

Now,, he is 17yrs old..his interest has changed and there's a lot of bicycles at the porch minus the one we have given away to our former neighbour, Kisho. Guest what his new interest is? what else if it's not motorbike. Last year during the school holiday, his father asked him to take the License and lucky he passed.

Then just recently I took him to an old friends wedding...after eating,he wants to wait in the car to play with his PSP..okay..at least I have an extra time talking and meeting with more old friends.My hubby talked to my friends hubby and while we were chit chatting..he called asking for how long do I need to be there..I said give me more time..and he said..ok..take your time mom..how glad I am to hear that..buut when we were about to leave...we looked for the car and it's no where around the parking place...oh dear..my hearts beating faster than ever..He said he have to drive the car because a garbage lorry could not move and our car obstructing the road.AND HE DROVE THE CAR!!!!

Last year he got a place studying at Sek.Men.Teknik Gombak and major in Mechanical engineering. There he go flying off like a little bird. Lot of kids go off to college,but they don't last ( just like NIK AIDIL FIKRI ). He get homesick. Start coming home all the time..complaining of a headache..stomach ache..aching here and there. I got fed up with his excuses and I said once and for all..you want to be in that school or you do not ?give me an answer..I dont raise children to be manja and if you want to be manja biar kena pada tempatnye...so...finally he put a stand and firm decision that he would change..unlike his sister,bringing him up can be daunting at times.

Indeed,he have changed..more murtured in his thinking and more understanding.

Dear Nik Aidil Fikri bin Mohd Bauzi,we love you ( mom,dad and your sis )for better or for worse we would always be together...we pray that you would be an engineer as your career but we would support you all the way if you want to be a chef too..whatever would be ,would be...the future is not ours to see but it's in the hands of ALLAH.

Happy birthday..sweet 17.....my young man...WE LOVE YOU....

A WEEK OF RECHARGED

The soft beauty of the early morning offered comforts or it seems comfortable enough. The stars still shine,and flowers still perfume the air,ahh yes...the smells of neighbours cooking nasi lemak,chicken curry and oh dear..did I smell kurma as well...Like a slap in the face in a way...it makes both of us hungry....

We did everyday..twice..walking without fail.We didn't loose weight..probably the penimbang iteew rosak.Imtiaz said,buy digital lah kak...oka..next month's budget...but I think we've burnt a few calories..hehehe

Our time spent together..Inhale..exhale...inhale...exhale...full of love....

1000hrs ~ My daughter drove back to campus

1130hrs ~ Reached Seremban Highway....

1500hrs ~ Arrived safely at Skudai...

Alhamdulilah...

THOSE WERE THE DAYS...

Those were the days where we could eat together,holiday together,fishing together and cooking together.

How come I didn't even remember of not finishing this diary?maybe it's not too late..after all we are still us and we are still here.....

There's a lot of things in my mind and I wish I could write the whole thing in here but I hold on to it for a little while until the situations are back to normal.

Today as I opened my facebook an old friend found me...and I'm glad. It seems that when you're not getting younger everyday..you just need to know how's your friends doing..your teachers who taught you in school and becoming what you are now...are they all still alive? are they doing well?..if so, it's okay but what if it isn't? how are we to know?...

I sincerely hope to hear more from friends and teachers...not because we want to go into the window of our past..it's just nostalgic..a memory. Although I tried to bury my past.... I felt it's a burden sometimes.

Why does people likes to being a busy body????why do they want to know so much what happens behind our closed doors?why?why...can't they just mind their own business???isk...isk..isk..

It sucks to be a centre of somebody's life!! and I'm the one person who hate making last minute arrangements..I'm not hard to control as long as a person handle me right.

There!!! I rest my case.

HILANG MOOOOD

An old friend called.We talked for almost an hour. The thing is..I could not remember what we were talking about or maybe I wish it to go away...Really! at first the conversation went smoothly,there are laughter,just like the good old days, but then suddenly a subject came out unpredictable.

She was asking how my half sister's doing?my half sisters????I told her I dont know and I dont care!!! but she's acting as reminder to me macam councillor la pulak.."eh you kena ambil tahu,it's your sisters as well"..my God. I felt the whole world collapsed around me.Who did she think she is?telling me to think of someone who have grabed the love of our LOVED ones....senang nye....!!!!

I dont feel like continuing that conversation anymore..not any more!!and if her phone number came out on the screen.I shall not answer! I gave an excuse that I have to go. Someone's at the door. The END.

WOMEN AND CHILDREN

The women in my life have been a huge influence in making who I am today..is...my mother and my daughter....

One day you thought you have done your best of bringing up your own children,but...when they grew up and have their own IDEAS of what they wanted to be...you are out of the picture!...

Being with when they were young ones...will always be a special occasion to me...

TOP OF THE WORLD 2

I thought I was getting somewhere but the truth is I was still nowhere...not close enough hmmmm...but then I saw the lights..yes..the lights of the security post..Yes! I'm almost at the top of the world ( eh..not really it's just Bukit Rawang Perdana hehehe )

After much sweat...

Finally....I'm there!

TOP OF THE WORLD

Everytime when I walked to the top of the hill I

say to myself..okay..this is it..until the security post cukup lah..than I must walk down but..when I reaches the security post the semangat of reaching on top of the hill suddenly membuak-buak in me...



This picture showed that I'm almost reaching at the security post...almoooost....haaah!

HUNGER

The house was quiet.
Outside,
the birds serenaded the lowering sun.
There was nothing but that one moment....

I love cooking but it sucks if I cook only for one person..
So..I hang back the pan..
and took a bus to town....

The smells of dhal and curry...
The Rendang and asam pedas tenggiri
McD'sss and KFC'ssss
My stomach became greedy..
everything I want to be in me...

THE BATTLE OF THE GRANNY's

Last week my sis called.As always,we would greet each other,talk about our family and our life..I asked how's her grandchildren doing? and then..her story begin...



My sister lost her son two years ago.He's the eldest among 7 siblings and a wonderful person. His job needs him to travel a lot and that one particular day..he met with an accident that took his life away. He was married for only 5 months and leaves a young pregnant wife.His death was a blow to everyone in the family.Both father (deceased) and son (now he's almost 2years old) would never know each other.



Sometime my sis and her hubby would visit his daughter in law (former) and took their grandson into town for trips and treats. Grandson would love to eat ice cream and fast food,grandma and granddad would buy toys and some new clothes untuk cucunya iteww. It all went well untill her former daughter in law remarried.

Well,my sister former in-laws starts to have the change of heart. From the good in laws they became the out-laws. Recently they went to visit the grandson,the former in-law would not even let the boy's grand parents ( my sister and her hubby ) to talk to him or then again to let them takes him out for jalan-jalan and makan angin...

Yang bestnye pulak tu...my sis out-law kata kalau nak tengok cucu mereka tu kena bagi duit seribu dulu...aiik..apa nak jadi nie? sampai bertikam lidah pulak tu...fulamak...ini macam pun ada...alahai....

People could change easily...somehow my sister and her hubby managed to be adult enough to be polite and not to drag anyone else into their battles.

It certainly wouldn't be an easy or happy situation anymore for my sister and hubby..but life has to go on....

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE AND THAT FEELINGS

Some people define success differently.They measure success by the size of salary,the number and kind of properties and vehicles one owns,and the amount of shares or fund one has.

I see success as having the opportunity to do what I am interested in and what means the most to me at a point of my life.

I didn't have much in common with those around me.When my women friend talked about shopping for clothes,I sat thinking about my children. No one seemed to understand me. I could understand their points of view but I couldn't think like them. They were all pretty boring or I am a boring person to them....

Since I became a homemaker, I left many circles of friends because I didn't fit in. Very few understood but are they being realistic?or just to make me happy.

I look at myself in the mirror and see a woman very different from the one I looked thirty years ago.

I smile at the women in the mirror and she smiles back at me. I feel comfortable with what I see and feel comfortable with my life now as it is...Thank you GOD,Thank you ALLAH..

Alhamdulilah....

PAID TV

While waiting for CSI Miami might as well write something in my blog.TV keep repeating the same show and it's frustrating.I dont know when are they going to start to air the new season of The McCleod's Daughters,The Leverage,Numbers,Shark. There are many great movies and drama out there but.....

NIKe BAIZURA ~ 2nd January 1988

"It was a day after new year 1988.
I cant wait,I have to see
what the world has to offer me"

I guessed that's what my daughter would have told herself when I was heavily pregnant with her inside my body. During the stage of my pregnancy,everybody were very concerned and gave all their love to me maklum lah anak bongsu yang nak melahirkan anak sulung.My hubby helped a lot and my mom would cook all kinds of dishes and packed for me.

We moved into our own apartment somewhere in December 1987. Since there are no furnitures except one mattress and two pillows,2 mugs and 2 plates ( all the presents that we received for our wedding are still kept at my mom's place ) We decided to make a kenduri doa selamat on the 2nd January 1988. I was 9th month pregnant and my body was huge...I walk slowly and everything I do was in a slow motion. So both me and my hubby went around the neighbourhood inviting them for our kenduri. My mom,dad,sis and bro and the rest of the gang helped peparing for the dishes at mom's home.

Since I am The special women,Iwas treated by mom like a princess ( at that time masih muda and lawa lagi...kooot) She prepare food for me and bring it upstairs so that I could eat..sedapnye..nasi minyak,kerutuk ayam and dalca.I makan the kenduri food and sebagai tukang rasa...hehehe. around noon I felt like urinating...but tak sempat nak ketandas there was so many water came out. I called my mom and when she saw me...she said it is time...your Air Mentuban dah broke..apa lagi...

Biasanye when a women dah dekat nak bersalin they would always prepare a basket full of kelengkapan nak bersalin in the car so that when it comes to emergency like this we are well prepared.

So..hubby took me to Clinic Roopee (accompanied by my sis and sis-in-law)...and around 7.30pm waktu maghrib maka lahirlah NIK BAIZURA BINTI MOHD BAUZI.

Dirumah ku ketika itu mom,dad and bro ( ketiga-tiga pun dah arwah dan yang paling kukasihi )became the host for our kenduri doa selamat masuk rumah baru dan kenduri doa selamat dapat anak sulung sekali...hehehe selamat selamat...tuan rumah berada dihospital menyambut orang baru...

I tickled Baizura"s tiny toes as I recited a nursery rhyme. Her round pink cheeks drew quickly upward,emphasizing the laughter that gurgled from her throat.

I kissed her chubby neck and whispered in her ear,making her smile."Someday you will have rings on your fingers and bells on your toes.Smile if you must,baby girl,but I never intend to let you know about anything but the best. No waiting tables for you. No dropping out of school until you have a degree from the best college. I want you to be somebody.You are special".

Tears dimmed my eyes as I talked to my baby girl. I didn't know how I would do it,but I would do it and she would emerge from this second rate existence to a respectable way of life. Not necessarily with money,not lots and lots of money, but I did want her to to be educated so she would be able to earn a decent living. I didn't want her to work hard as hard as I had. No..I was going to see to it that it never happened to my child.

Tika ini illusi penantian sudah berakhir..sewaktu kelahiran dimuka bumi ini,melihat dunia yang serba dihiasi keindahan,maka terfikir sejenak..apakah esok atau lusa maseh ada masa buat sikecil ini...bakal menjadi wanita teragung?...menjadi pemimpin yang termasyur?

Now,looking back through the initial years...Nik Baizura has becoming a women. Twenty Two years old today with her own vision and mission to succeed in her life to becoming an Architect.

My Dear child...sometime in life you may have drove on the rough road and making the wrong turn..therefore..live your life to the fullest..HAPPY BIRTHDAY sweeeeet 22 ...it has passed your curfew hours....hehehe ...We can't be with you always but we will be there for you as always......

ALLAH SELAMATKAN KAMU...ALLAH SELAMATKAN KAMU...ALLAH SELAMATKAN...........

NIKe BAIZURA..

ALLAH SELAMATKAN KAMU....

THE CHANGE OF LIFE

There was nothing like Tuesday - looking forward to The Biggest Loser Asia unless it was Sunday leading up to the last week of school holiday and NEW YEAR... NEW YEAR...

I'm having the change of life..."M" is a natural part of growing older.No wonder I have all the kind of symptoms that I've never had before...hmmmm

~2009~

2009 is coming to a close. Reviewing the year with THE GOODS,THE BADS AND THE UGLY. Now the wraparounds....

January ~ March 2009

$ Everyone is facing difficult times as the impact of the financial crisis severely affected the world throughout this year.The whole family and some of our friends are tightening our belt.

$ Got a lot of space on my own at home in physical and symbolic context.

$ meeting old friends from work at an old friends children's wedding.

$ Son got a place in SMT Gombak inclusive boarding.Alhamdulilah.Thank you Allah,Thank you Allah.For the past years we've been saying goodbye to our dearest eldest daughter (3years in MRSM Grik and 2years in MRSM Jasin)and there were 3 of us in the car waving goodbye to her and holding our tears ( but we could not hold)..but on that particular day (23rd Feb)we are waving goodbye to our youngest son pulak. Itu pun nasib baik dekat aje...Gombak...hehehe Thought I could holdback my tears but unfortunately...I can't.As much as I've tried so hard...but I can't. Hubby's trying to distract my focus by talking about other things, topic that are not relevant at all but the tears keep coming out...

$ It's a lesson for me and hubby to equip ourselves.Both our children have to leave us one day..to spread their wings...alahai...

$ (18th March )Hubby was admitted for asthma and gastric ( ingat itu le penyakitnye) at Damai for he no longer could not stands the pain .Tak boleh tidur dan senantiasa lapar (every night I have to temankan dia pergi minum and makan capati at Rawang Tin aku jugak yang naik berat badan wehh)..when the doctor check it was heart problem.

April ~ June 2009

$ Since hubby did not use the car,I drove to the nearest government clinic.Oh my God,there were so many people waiting to see a doctor. Well since I'm there and nothing to do at home might as well take a number and do a check up.Paid a ringgit and received no 124. Many people complaining about the government staff services but I disagree. From the first step I enter the door the nurses to the medical officers,they were polite and kind.No shouting or rough treatments to patients and the attitudes were soothing. And I'm now an additional registered government patient...Good!and I have to say..it's the Rawang Government Clinic..

$ visited a friend at a hospital in KL.She's ok..The main issue here is...when a women in pain they have to suffer alone.Even going to the clinic or when expecting results to be taken. Theres not even a sympathetic notes in the men's voice..uncarring..tsk..tsk...

$ Alhamdulilah my daughter dearest received a place in UTM Skudai and USM Penang.It's quite difficult for her to make a decision but then again, from the very beginning her heart was always there at UTM.If she were given a choice she would have chosen both places...but unfortunately...she can't...She believes she could fly ...hehehe

July ~ September 2009

$ (2nd July) Hubby did angiogram..Alhamdulilah no blockage but it seems the valve was leaking.

$ Went fishing at Pulau Indah till 0600hrs.First time got Lucky I caught 2 ekor of ikan senangin sebesar lengan Alhamdulilah...and hubby caught kerapu..

$ Attending Baizura's graduation day at Skudai...hmmm tak banyak dapat ambil gambar sebab hubby demam nak cepat-cepat balik KL.Sorry girl nanti graduate for your degree we hope we will be there in a different kind of situation ya lebih sihat and lebih meriah InsyaAllah.

$ Hubby bought viva for her daughter's graduation day and I could only afford to give her a bouquet of flower...

$ Ramadhan....

October ~ December 2009

$ Checked into Putra Jaya Shangrila Hotel. Took time out to revive my body and soul.Very often we tend to be too hard on ourself and today is the perfect day for a little bit of pampering. A soak in the bath tub..hehehe and a massage?? dinner in room? oh really....we both have a great time. Thanks to Imtiaz for the most expensive birthday present to me and hubby...We will always treasured the kindness you've given us and may the Almighty Allah blessed you and your family..

$ Celebrate Hari Raya as usual dikampung halaman hubby.Entah le...tak meriah langsung this year...I am not going to write anything about it here but those who knows...everyone were very unhappy...worst Raya celebration of the year.....

$ Hubby did his mitral valve repaired (6 weeks MC)and Alhamdulilah he is getting better. He could walk more than 3 km now and I am happy.He'll be back to work as usual in January just a couple more days to go....

$ Aidil's got his motorbike licence and moving freely not afraid of the policemen.

$ Baizura's lost his handphone on the day she went out to the movie with her bro (Aidil) but hubby promise to buy her a new one for her upcoming birthday ( it has to be belated )

$ Looking back at the chronology of events this year... we are doing just fine..and...okay..Allah nak uji..Alhamdulilah..Alhamdulilah...we look forward to 2010 with a better life and much blessings.We thanked our FAMILY and our FRIENDS for their prayer, our NEIGHBOURS yang menziarah and given us the kind support and to SEH MALAYSIA for everything....MAY GOD BLESSED ALL OF US...

Why did you do what you did?

I don't know...it just happens..that's why.You cant judge people,I know.For example I dislike MAWI and whenever his face came on TV I just change the channel,habis cerita.If his song aired in the radio,I changed the frequency..habis cerita.

My hubby and son would ask me why I dislike MAWI.What have he done to me that I recent him.Well to those yang menyampah kat dia will know why..I dont need to tell..habis cerita.

Many people try to fit into places that's not for them...berlagak tak bertempat kata setengah orang..well...I'd rather do what I did...habis cerita...

Dah maghrib dah...gi semaye dulu..kang sambung balik...